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Politely Tell Someone They Are Wrong (In English)

Posted On: September 24, 2015

We often avoid situations or conversations where we either have to deliver or receive what is considered ‘bad’ news. Did you know there’s a way to politely tell someone they are wrong?

 

Is this true for you? 
It sure has been true in my life, and for those I coach. I have coached managers who are about to give some constructive criticism to their reports, developers preparing to go into retrospectives with challenging messages to share, IT consultants who were worried how to tell their clients their choice for the suggested feature was not going to work out, or that the new deadline wasn’t going to work out, and the list goes on.

While all these messages and their contexts are very different, one thing remains similar, the manager, developer and IT consultant all had to communicate to someone else that they were wrong about something or not doing something correctly.

These kinds of interactions make most of us nervous. Sometimes we want to avoid them altogether. Most of us do not like conflict.

But, at some point these messages need to be communicated. How can these messages be  communicated without damaging the relationship?

Let’s look at a few wrong ways to tell someone they are wrong, and translate them into ‘polite English.’

Sample Sentence 
“You have done that wrong. Do it over!” (This is rude in English.)

Alternatives:

• “I see that there is some problem with the final product. Let’s sit and discuss some solutions.”
• “There are a few sections of the report that need to be changed; they are…..(add in details).”
• “This needs to be looked at again. Something is missing. Shall we discuss it later?”
• “The code is not stable yet. Let’s discuss possible solutions in the team meeting to avoid future bugs.”
• “This design is not user friendly. We have to go back to the client and ask who the end user is and adjust the design accordingly.”
• “The system crashed after that last update. It needs to be reviewed and updated.”

 

When formulating your approach to telling someone they are wrong, consider using this formula:

1. 1. Statement of behavior 

In this statement, avoid using the word you, especially if you is the main subject. – When you is the main subject or overused it gives a harsh and demanding tone to the message. The listener is more likely to react defensively. Especially avoid questions with “why you.”

1. 1. Note how it impacts work

Consider delivering this in the most empathetic way possible.

1. 1. Offer problem solving 

Consider using powerful questions (coaching strategy) to problem solve with the person you’re speaking with or offer suggestions. As Mike Cohen of Mountain Goat Software says, “A criticism without a suggestion is often just complaining.” 

“Jennifer helped me to understand the importance of pleasantries in email writing and avoiding usage of “you” language. After implementing the strategies and making them a habit while email drafting the emails, the clients were more interactive and they greeted me as well in return. In this way, it has helped me in building a healthy client relationship as our work is mainly client facing hence the long term relationship really counts in this matter.”

 

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Related Posts:
Appreciation, Criticism, and Motivation in Indian Teams
Best Practices in Email Writing
How to say “thank you” in an email
How do I find a good solution to my problem? 

Updated April 2020, Jan. 2022