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Fitting In and Being Successful in the US for Indians and NRIs
I reached out to Jennifer when I joined college in Rochester, NY. Being the only Indian in my college and the realization about the difference between US and Indian culture made me wonder how I would fit in the crowd?? Every day I encountered new problems and was overwhelmed by it.I knew Jen through emails first and eventually we met and talked about a whole lot of issues. It is very easy to open up with Jen, who has a way with people. She is patient and non-judgmental. Having been in India and being married to an Indian, who is also an American, I knew she would be the best person to answer my innumerable questions.
Jen helped me out with the language, the difference between pronunciations (Indian and American), resume tips and what not. One particular thing I remember is how I didn't want to be Americanized and how dear my Indian roots were to me. There was a huge conflict in my mind whether to change my accent and make it more American. I didn't want to, that was the dilemma. However, Jen made me understand the importance of doing so, in-order to have a good career and to make myself heard. Life is about making compromises to achieve your goals and dreams. You have to adapt if you plan to live in a foreign country and she made me realize that.
She has sent me tons of interview tips and articles that has helped me in my job search. What I find most endearing in Jen is a curiosity to know different cultures and how she assimilates information to help people adjust to life in the US, I should say she is a powerhouse of knowledge! When I reached out to her about my job search blues, everyday she used to send me information pertaining to mastering the art of job interviews. I have no clue how she gets the time to do all this. I would conclude by saying this: She is a true life coach!! She has experience, exposure and tons of friends from cultures worldwide. She is a great friend who listens patiently, takes time and effort in getting to know you and your needs. [sic]
-Sajitha Veettilakath
More stories....
Going Home Again – Three Tips on Moving Back in With Parents as an Adult
By Carolyn Sperry
If you’ve moved in with parents or other family members in this down economy, you’re not alone. My husband and I brought our two small kids to live with my mom after a series of setbacks—chiefly my husband’s job loss and our small son’s developmental disability.
If you find yourself living with family when that’s not what you planned, you probably know you need to make the best of it and get back out on your own as soon as you can.
Here are some thoughts on how to deal—and how to move on:
1. Have a plan.
If you don’t know how long you’ll be there, or what your next life moves are, sort this out as soon as you can. Knowing you have a plan can make a world of difference in your outlook. (And remember: people will keep asking you what your plan is!) If you feel completely lost, seek professional help from a therapist or career coach.
We were adrift and stressed when we first came to live with my mother. As a freelancer, I can work from anywhere. But my husband, who’d lost his mortgage industry job in Chicago, was having trouble finding work in my small upstate New York hometown. He’d wanted to make a career change anyway, so he began going to school full time to learn graphic design. The greatly reduced expenses that came along with living with Mom allowed us to live on just my income for the time being. And my husband’s graphic design program came with not only new skills but a schedule and therefore some structure—a boon to the unemployed.
2. Keep your spirits up.
No matter what sort of community you’ve moved back to, it has something to offer. Take advantage of cultural events, local connections, or whatever you can. Try to tune out people who look down on you because of your situation. You can’t control what they think.
In our case, we came from an urban area—metro Chicago—to a small-town environment where everyone knows everyone and people can be judgy. We knew we were the subject of gossip. Moving back to the little community where we live is considered a failure in itself; moving in with a parent is even worse, of course. Although it stings a little to be talked about, we’ve dealt with it by being honest and upbeat when people ask where we live. From there, we let the chips fall where they may.
We’ve met some nice locals too, especially fellow special needs parents. There’s really an upside to everything.
The scenery here is gorgeous too—there’s nothing like these rolling hills in Chicago—and there’s no traffic noise, which is a nice break.
3. Communicate.
If you’ve moved in with parents, be respectful of them and try to facilitate communication about what you all need. If you haven’t moved in yet, discuss the finances (who’s paying for what) and living arrangements (who’s going to mow the lawn, are groceries going to be shared) in advance. Doing so should help avoid awkwardness and resentment later. However you may feel about your situation, the hard truth is that your family is doing you a favor. This might be pretty difficult for them, too, especially if their friends are boasting constantly about the success of their own adult children.
My mom has been infinitely patient with our little boys’ behavior, but has been stressed out by things like her utility bills leaping up as we use the water and electricity. We’ve dealt with this by offering to change our financial contribution to the household and trying to keep our usage under control.
--Carolyn Sperry is a writer and editor who lives in Upstate New York. With her Mom.
If you’ve moved in with parents or other family members in this down economy, you’re not alone. My husband and I brought our two small kids to live with my mom after a series of setbacks—chiefly my husband’s job loss and our small son’s developmental disability.
If you find yourself living with family when that’s not what you planned, you probably know you need to make the best of it and get back out on your own as soon as you can.
Here are some thoughts on how to deal—and how to move on:
1. Have a plan.
If you don’t know how long you’ll be there, or what your next life moves are, sort this out as soon as you can. Knowing you have a plan can make a world of difference in your outlook. (And remember: people will keep asking you what your plan is!) If you feel completely lost, seek professional help from a therapist or career coach.
We were adrift and stressed when we first came to live with my mother. As a freelancer, I can work from anywhere. But my husband, who’d lost his mortgage industry job in Chicago, was having trouble finding work in my small upstate New York hometown. He’d wanted to make a career change anyway, so he began going to school full time to learn graphic design. The greatly reduced expenses that came along with living with Mom allowed us to live on just my income for the time being. And my husband’s graphic design program came with not only new skills but a schedule and therefore some structure—a boon to the unemployed.
2. Keep your spirits up.
No matter what sort of community you’ve moved back to, it has something to offer. Take advantage of cultural events, local connections, or whatever you can. Try to tune out people who look down on you because of your situation. You can’t control what they think.
In our case, we came from an urban area—metro Chicago—to a small-town environment where everyone knows everyone and people can be judgy. We knew we were the subject of gossip. Moving back to the little community where we live is considered a failure in itself; moving in with a parent is even worse, of course. Although it stings a little to be talked about, we’ve dealt with it by being honest and upbeat when people ask where we live. From there, we let the chips fall where they may.
We’ve met some nice locals too, especially fellow special needs parents. There’s really an upside to everything.
The scenery here is gorgeous too—there’s nothing like these rolling hills in Chicago—and there’s no traffic noise, which is a nice break.
3. Communicate.
If you’ve moved in with parents, be respectful of them and try to facilitate communication about what you all need. If you haven’t moved in yet, discuss the finances (who’s paying for what) and living arrangements (who’s going to mow the lawn, are groceries going to be shared) in advance. Doing so should help avoid awkwardness and resentment later. However you may feel about your situation, the hard truth is that your family is doing you a favor. This might be pretty difficult for them, too, especially if their friends are boasting constantly about the success of their own adult children.
My mom has been infinitely patient with our little boys’ behavior, but has been stressed out by things like her utility bills leaping up as we use the water and electricity. We’ve dealt with this by offering to change our financial contribution to the household and trying to keep our usage under control.
--Carolyn Sperry is a writer and editor who lives in Upstate New York. With her Mom.
Are you settled yet? – Four Tips on Feeling More Comfortable When Moving to A Different Country
When moving abroad family, friends, new neighbors and perfect strangers will want to know if you’re feeling at home in your new home. One way of doing that- especially the Indian way is by asking, “Are you settled yet?”
I am unsure how to answer this question. For me, feeling settled is about more than living in a comfortable home; it’s also about understanding the lifestyle, feeling I can fit in and knowing where things are and how to get there, understanding the value of money and many more criteria. Feeling settled includes many aspects – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and many more.
From this I have learned a few tips on improving one’s comfort level when moving abroad:
1. Admit when you’re uncomfortable
People feel discomfort for a variety of reasons. Sit down and try to figure out why you are uncomfortable and if there is anything you can do to alleviate this discomfort. Sometimes discomfort comes from culture shock as well. There are ways to figure out if you have culture shock. Ask yourself what aspects of the new culture you’re in that you have experienced feels different, odd, uncomfortable or unfamiliar? Try to learn more about that to fit in better.
1. Admit when you’re uncomfortable
People feel discomfort for a variety of reasons. Sit down and try to figure out why you are uncomfortable and if there is anything you can do to alleviate this discomfort. Sometimes discomfort comes from culture shock as well. There are ways to figure out if you have culture shock. Ask yourself what aspects of the new culture you’re in that you have experienced feels different, odd, uncomfortable or unfamiliar? Try to learn more about that to fit in better.
If someone tells you they are uncomfortable, facing culture shock or homesickness it may be easy to tell them ‘to forget it’ or ‘to just go home’ but having myself being told this, this makes me more uncomfortable, misunderstood and more lost. If someone mentions this to you they are uncomfortable; please be gentle with them. They are trying to open up to you. They may share something about the host country that is troubling them. Don’t take this as an offense if you are a local. Try to understand it from their point of view and give them tips on your culture and how to feel more comfortable. That person will appreciate it more than you know.
3. Reach out and ask for help from the locals.
If you can speak the local language be brave, speak up and ask for help. People love to help others it makes them feel useful. Good places to go where a lot of people ask for help in the US are mall information booths and libraries. Go to the reference section and ask the librarian about resources in your neighborhood. In India, I have no knowledge about these things, so I have asked my neighbors and family for help (since my husband’s Indian and his family are in this city). That helps increase my comfort a lot when others help. But first I have to be brave enough to ask. I have asked for help on a range of topics like phrases in the local language, where to buy vegetables and how to avoid worms in them (a common problem here), best brands of home appliances, how to get an inverter installed, how to get water when our tank is empty, the school system here, restaurants and a host of other things.
4. Find out if the problems you’re facing are ‘normal’.
Sometimes when we move abroad we face problems we would never face ‘back home’ or in our previous city or country. Therefore, taken out of context of the culture and lifestyle of that place, we may feel ‘we are the only one experiencing that’. Therefore, referring to the third tip, go out and find a local you could get some advice from on your problem. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out this is a ‘normal problem’ and they will have good advice and tips to overcome this problem. A good example that just happened to me two days ago was cutting open a cauliflower. I wanted to make aloo gobi and bought a gobi (head of cauliflower), took it home and started to cut it open. I noticed a worm the size of my pinky finger. I stepped back aghast. I may have almost screamed. First I thought it was a twig that got in there then I realized otherwise as I saw tons of tiny green worms crawling out of it. Then I got freaked out, put the gobi back in the bag, threw it away and decided to make a frantic, crisis-call to my neighbor. Being an Indian who lived in US, I felt she can shed some light on the situation. I went to her house immediately and starting knocking on the door. I was relieved (kind of) to learn that this is a common problem and generally for gobi, people soak it in water, turmeric and salt which brings all the worms out and kills them. No one blinks an eye about it or thinks it’s abnormal. In fact, the more surprising part is having come from this background when she lived in the US she prepared gobi the same way and when no worms came out she got worried! Just goes to show how perspective means so much.
I hope some of these tips have been helpful. What tips do you have for feeling settled when moving – especially moving abroad?
Thank you for reading.
Photo caption: "Do you feel the dice stacking up against you while settling in a new place? Is it a big gamble? Here are tips to help you settle abroad" Photo by Seven Cent Skill, creative commons at flickr.
Author of this post, Jennifer Kumar,
has moved to live in India a second time. Coming from America, there are many things to learn to adjust to in India. Jennifer understands some of the adjustment issues faced by people moving abroad because of these experiences. Feel free to follow her on Facebook by clicking here. Contact her for more information on coaching by clicking here.Copyright © 2011, Jennifer Kumar. All Rights Reserved.
Permission to Reprint: This article may be reprinted, provided it appears in its entirety with the following attribution (link included): Reprinted by permission of Jennifer Kumar, Cross-Cultural Coach at Authentic Journeys. Click here for to see if you’re a good fit for cross-cultural coaching and to browse her blog.
I Have a Neutral Accent. Do I Need To Improve My Accent?
Question and Answer Series about Cross-Cultural Communication Success Tips in America.
Question 1: Jennifer, I have a neutral accent. Do I need accent reduction coaching?
Jennifer's answer:
I don't know what a neutral accent sounds like. I can offer a few questions to help you analyze yourself to decide if you could benefit from accent reduction.
Questions to ask yourself about your own speech patterns:
Do you think others understand you when you speak?
Do you think it's the word choices, speed, sound patterns, tone?
Do you talk fast? Does the speed of your speech affect your accent and how others understand you?
Do you know what kinds of things are misunderstood by others when you talk?
Questions to ask yourself about what you hear others say:
Can you understand words that are said by people around you?
How much of any given sentence can you follow or understand?
Do you notice any differences in others speed, tone word choices, sound patterns?
What kind of things are difficult for you to understand when others talk?
Can you follow idioms, slangs, or local phrases?
Have you asked people to slow down or repeat? If so, does that help you understand better?
If you hear a word or phrase you don't understand, are you able to get it defined?
When we are learning another language it's easy to think that people misunderstand use because we are not native speakers. Think about the times you spoke in your native language. What kinds of misunderstandings arose? We must be aware of our own clarity in speaking and communicating in different languages and cultures that may be able to help us better comprehend our shortcomings in learning to understand and be understood in another language.
However, sometimes we don't get feedback from others on our communication habits. Others may find it embarrassing to tell you what they don't understand and how to improve it. They simply may not know how to guide you also. In those cases, I am happy to help you. I have accepted recordings of prospective students, listened to them and given feedback or talked to prospective students on the phone for up to an hour or so to help them decide if accent reduction is something they can benefit from. (I do not charge for that conversation.)
-End of Question and Answer Session-
Photo credit: Pimoo at flickr used under creative commons.
Author Jennifer Kumar is a native American English speaker living in Cochin, India helping Indians to communicate better with their American counterparts. Check out her American Accent Training Program by clicking here or contact her at authenticjourneys@gmail.com.
Question 1: Jennifer, I have a neutral accent. Do I need accent reduction coaching?Jennifer's answer:
I don't know what a neutral accent sounds like. I can offer a few questions to help you analyze yourself to decide if you could benefit from accent reduction.
Questions to ask yourself about your own speech patterns:
Do you think others understand you when you speak?
Do you think it's the word choices, speed, sound patterns, tone?
Do you talk fast? Does the speed of your speech affect your accent and how others understand you?
Do you know what kinds of things are misunderstood by others when you talk?
Questions to ask yourself about what you hear others say:
Can you understand words that are said by people around you?
How much of any given sentence can you follow or understand?
Do you notice any differences in others speed, tone word choices, sound patterns?
What kind of things are difficult for you to understand when others talk?
Can you follow idioms, slangs, or local phrases?
Have you asked people to slow down or repeat? If so, does that help you understand better?
If you hear a word or phrase you don't understand, are you able to get it defined?
When we are learning another language it's easy to think that people misunderstand use because we are not native speakers. Think about the times you spoke in your native language. What kinds of misunderstandings arose? We must be aware of our own clarity in speaking and communicating in different languages and cultures that may be able to help us better comprehend our shortcomings in learning to understand and be understood in another language.
However, sometimes we don't get feedback from others on our communication habits. Others may find it embarrassing to tell you what they don't understand and how to improve it. They simply may not know how to guide you also. In those cases, I am happy to help you. I have accepted recordings of prospective students, listened to them and given feedback or talked to prospective students on the phone for up to an hour or so to help them decide if accent reduction is something they can benefit from. (I do not charge for that conversation.)
-End of Question and Answer Session-
Photo credit: Pimoo at flickr used under creative commons.
Author Jennifer Kumar is a native American English speaker living in Cochin, India helping Indians to communicate better with their American counterparts. Check out her American Accent Training Program by clicking here or contact her at authenticjourneys@gmail.com.
Where do I fit in? Looking Beyond Labels.
These are life’s eternal questions – especially for human beings on the path of self-discovery and also for those living cross-cultural lifestyles.
It’s so easy to put labels on ourselves so we fit in with a group.
- We like mountain biking – so we join a mountain biking group.
- We are crazy about eco-travel and join a eco-travel club and travel with them.
- We are just fascinated with a musical band and join their ‘troupe’ and travel around with them. (ie. Grateful Dead)
- We identify ourselves as Americans so where ever we live in the world, we seek out other Americans.
- We speak English, so where ever we are in the world we hang out with English speakers.
- We affiliate with a particular religion and where ever we live we seek out that group.
- The only friends I can have, because who else on this planet Earth has anything in common with me?
- The people in this group have the best culture, the best values and live the most moral or interesting lives. No one else does.
- People in this group understand me. Others do not.
The irony here is that many people who live a cross-cultural life do so because initially they found something worthwhile outside their group- they went above and beyond the labels they and society put on them and formed relationships with people others in their in-crowd found ‘risky’ or ‘different’ or even ‘unacceptable’ for a variety of reasons.
If we are reminded of why we came into a cross-cultural lifestyle- that’s a value of open mindedness, a willingness to think different and constantly remember that just because someone has a different label it doesn’t mean we can’t find common ground (also known as unity in diversity). It's also not a question of being accepted by others, but allowing others to accept us and tearing down our own walls.
Often some of the most fulfilling relationships are those we have with people outside our comfort zone, having different labels. Why? Because we realize behind and beneath that label that person DOES have actually quite a bit in common with us. We were happy to discover this hidden treasure inside them, inside of ourselves, and we were happy they gave us the benefit of the doubt to get to know us too.
Trapping ourselves within labels limits our ability to experience new things and make new friends.
Is it scary? Of course it is! That’s why many people over- identify with their label and stick to familiar territory in their own identified group.
Is it worthwhile? Well, that depends on you and how you approach the situation and what you get out of it.
Quite frankly, writing about this topic itself is quite scary as it’s a controversial topic. This is truer today than ever when people have more freedom to identify themselves any which way they want. Once people ‘find themselves’ and attach a label to it, it’s hard to let that go for obvious reasons. But, this topic is timely and timeless. If we want to encourage world-peace we have to look within to look with –out (outside). What can we each do differently today to promote peace inside ourselves and with others who are in our group- and those who are not in our group?
Thanks for reading.
Please share your thoughts.
Photo credits European Parliament @flickr under creative commons.
Related Potsts:
Staying True to yourself while adjusting to another culture
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