Meeting someone different is exciting, exotic even. At first we get caught up in the differences out of fascination. We want to learn more about the person. We are drawn in by their different or exotic looks, alluring accent, unique mannerisms, and different approaches to life. We may even like their ethnic food and entertainment.It’s easy to fall in love when looking outside the box.
Be careful. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love while navigating culture shock and adjustment can be more challenging.
But, one argues, it’d be a great cross-cultural experience to marry outside my culture. And, we love each other. Doesn’t love conquer all?
Ideally, yes. Practically, maybe not.
Meeting a boy friend or girl friend a few times a week can be considered a cross-cultural experience. It is something taken out of your day to day life and unconscious behavior. But, a cross-cultural relationship is not one experience but a string of experiences. It becomes a lifestyle – a way of being. Two diverse lives and lifestyles must merge to form a new one- a new culture combining the ethnic, national and personal cultures of each of these people. Living day in and day out together as a married couple is the first challenge.
Depending on where you decide to live- in your culture, your partner’s culture or in an entirely new culture will also affect how you manage your relationship and adjust [or not] to each other.
And, the most challenging of all challenges is merging with diverse family members. No one lives in isolation. No matter how independent we think we are we will have to at some point or other manage short or long or extended stays with parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins or other extended family. How will we cope up in communicating (especially if the language is different), eating different food day in and out (and possibly not being able to taste the tastes we crave), and mannerisms? All these are taken for granted when we marry within our culture. Marrying within our culture is also not free of challenges, but marrying across cultures can bring other challenges and rewards not always obvious to those in same-culture relationships.
So, before deciding to marry your foreign boyfriend or your self-arranged marriage with your Facebook girlfriend (I know of a few cases!) have plenty of discussions of personal and family expectations and obligations. Understand the life cycle of someone from your to-be’s culture- birth, child raising, spiritual upbringing, educational and parenting approaches, among many other aspects of life that are taken for granted living in one’s own culture and marrying within it. Establish guidelines and ‘deal breakers’. Of course it’s impossible to navigate and negotiate each and everything- as some things will be learned or uncovered at moments they happen. As maintaining a relationship within the same culture, between cultures it will not be easy – especially if you are blinded by love. It’s better to be safe than sorry – especially when your life and others are at stake.
Photo credit: kacyphoto @flickr under creative common
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Jennifer Kumar is a Cross-Cultural Coach who can help you explore the diverse requirements of you and your to-be to figure out in which direction your cross-cultural relationship or marriage will take. See this page for more about coaching.
Thank you for reading.
Those looking for serious help and coaching on these topics, paid relationship coaching is available by contacting the author, Jennifer Kumar, by clicking here.
If you are looking for FREE advice, click here.
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Jennifer, pretty mature article. and how true. Sometimes i get confused by the term cross cultural. :-) Sometimes even within culture there can be a vast difference of opinion of the said issues, raising kids and so on depending on each partners upbringing (conservative, independent)
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right! Talk about everything you can, no matter how silly it sounds. Make a game of it. I asked my (now) husband a million and one questions before I came to India to marry and live with him. It still turned out that I hadn't asked everything lol. As it turned out, I didn't ask those questions because there were things I assumed would be the same in both cultures (from research) but, that his family didn't participate in. There were also things about the country I never though to ask, because again I took for granted that his and my countries would not be so different. I had expectations his country would be better at some things only to get here and find out how wrong I was.
ReplyDeleteI had a very long engagement period with my hubby and that gave me the opportunity to take off my love blinders and be more realistic with our relationship. There are unique challenges you have to be ready to deal with once the newness of the relationship wears off. Culture shock can throw in even more hurdles to jump over and you both have to be willing to accept them, deal with them and work on them together.
Vani, I am glad you said that!! Yes, I know what you mean - I feel any marriage can be cross-cultural as any two individuals have differing mindsets. This is why I feel that if we learn cross-cultural skills it's also good for day to day life within 'our own culture'!
ReplyDeleteI wrote about that here-
http://authenticjourneys.blogspot.com/2011/08/cross-cultural-skills-resolve-conflicts.html
I will attempt to hyper link that (don't know if it works!)
ReplyDeleteCross-Cultural Skills Resolve Conflicts In Daily Life
So eloquently said White Bhabi...
ReplyDeleteThanks for enhancing my post with your experiences.
Well said! When I first met my husband I was fascinated by his culture. Our relationship was a whirlwind and we married with the assumption that love will conquer all. Not only can marriage in general be difficult, but adding two different cultures can be especially difficult. We've definitely experienced our ups and downs due to our differences in culture. However, with open minds we have been able to overcome these differences. I agree with White Bhabi that it is so very important to discuss any and all issues that you can think of before entering into a cross-cultural marriage. Even the things you do not anticipate being an issue can turn into an issue down the line. As long as both partners are willing to accept each other and make compromises along the way, I believe that cross-cultural marriages are a beautiful thing. But as you mentioned it's important to understand some of the challenges that will be faced before making such a commitment.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insights, ourgloballove.
ReplyDeleteOne of the key factors you mention is having an open mind. This coupled with patience can be a winning combination in helping to overcome issues when two mindsets collide.
Yes, I agree... things we do not think will become an issue may become more of an issue than we could have ever imagined as so many, many things define our cultures and our very selves. Sometimes it's hard to let that go!
Hi Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteThough I am not married cross-culturally, I just love this article. It's so simply, yet honestly written, straight from the heart. It must have been tempting to quote anecdotes from ur own life, but ur dash of professionalism responsibly kept them at bay. That's what's most commendable.